As it is.


So many things have changed since I started this blog.

That is to say, so much of ME has changed.

We should change, massively, irrevocably, evolving and seeing the world through bigger lenses on a daily, or at the very least a yearly basis, shouldn't we? In my opinion, our ability to continually change, to grow, to not be the same person we were next year as we are now, is possibly the reason for our human existence at all.

This new me is so new, that sometimes I find myself sitting in a daze, as though I were just punched in the face or something equally stunning, when I have to shake that daze off and gather myself, find my bearings, and get back to it! Because even after all the change and growth, I find that I still have so much more changing and growing to do in this period of transition that I find myself in. It's exhausting and exciting all at the same time. How is this possible? Life is a trip, really, it is.

Anyway, you might not have noticed this change in me, or you might have noticed. Either way it feels that I should apologize for it, but I will not because however this has or has not affected you, that isn't why I am here.

(Why am I here, other then to get all of my thoughts into words that ramble on and on until a mighty weight has lifted from my shoulders? Your guess is as good as mine, I suppose.)

The past couple of years has been a massive, huge period of growth. It has been the kind of growing that is really thick and painful and breathtaking and anxious and scary and hard, in a really good and needed way. Kind of like...having a baby. It is all of those same things, painful and breathtaking and anxious and scary and hard. And did I mention painful? Oh, so painful. But then the baby comes, a miraculous breath of fresh dewy heaven that ignites your soul on fire while you hold him/her (in my case, always him) in your arms and you forget all of that horrible heavy pain that you just went through! (For a moment, until the recovery hits. And all of the sleepless nights to come! This analogy may or may not apply, I've just decided.)

I want so badly now, after all of this time off, and say something terribly profound. But the fact of the matter is that I have too many things to say, and I truly can't say them all. Not in one lump sum. It just isn't possible. (It just isn't probable.) However, journaling and documenting my life and writing are such massively important parts of who I am, and because of that I have to have this space.

I still do a lot of writing, in a lot of avenues. But not a lot of posting of the writing. Which is fine and all, of course, but I was thinking about why I come here, to this particular space to write. (Or why I used to, at least.) And here it is: the reason I come back here is purely to record. I am not here for an audience, I am here for my future self, and for my posterity. I think that life is more than I know it is. I think that life is so damned awful and heavy and also such a magnificent masterpiece, in a way that I can't really even comprehend. And so, I crave documenting my life. Perhaps it is because I am acutely aware of how short life is. I am aware of my mortality every single day, and what will be left when I'm gone?

I want my life to be recorded in all of the places that I can find. And this! The internet! A website! This is such an easily accessible outlet for all parties. Like  my biggest fans, Hey Mom! Wondering about life lately since I haven't called you in two weeks? Here you go! And for myself, Hey future self! Remember Beck's alf-alfa when he was three and Jace's love for that old game called Minecraft and Rockie when she had barely any gray hair yet and Dan's long sexy beard face that you begged him to never shave?? And remember when our life together was a transition of beauty and grace and messy perfection and lows and highs and memories that we crave to hold forever??

THEREFORE, I DECLARE: my official return!

If you are interested (I know my future self is), here is somewhat of an attempt at an update, and some things that have drastically changed me for the better since I have been MIA here:

- Deleting facebook! Good grief, I could practically dedicate an entire post to the complications of life with social media and iPhones. (Rest assured, I won't.) Almost one whole year ago now I deleted my facebook and in doing so I decluttered my social media drastically. My only form of social media has since been Instagram, the place I keep as my journal and creative outlet for photographs and poems and trips. Overall, I truly enjoy Instagram. It is something that does add some value to my life. (CHATBOOKS, amirite?!) But this decision, the decision to only use one form of social media, was one of the best decisions I could have made at this time in my life.

I can't fully explain why facebook brought me down so. It was a lot of things. It was an extra distraction in a busy world where I was trying so hard to remain quiet and still and spiritual, where I was trying to connect with my dead brother, where I was trying to be present in my own life. But also, it was a bit of a downer. It brought me pain, it brought me anxiety, it brought me...that feeling you get in your dreams sometimes, when you are trying so hard to run but you just. can't. move. your. legs. And none of those things it brought me were doing me any good at all, so I did a mental pros and cons list, in which the cons far outweighed the pros. I said "good bye" to that facebook world and I haven't looked back.

As it is, I am still continually working on the balance between social media and actually living in the thick of real life, with real people, not distracted behind a screen. My ideal balance is 95/5, being 95% LIVING and 5% relaxing and scrolling/posting on Instagram (because we all deserve some mind numbing distractions occasionally, yes?). I'm not there yet, but I am close. (Should I change that to 97/3? 98/2? Time will tell.)

Also, a side note for future posterity reading this: how is the future? You can't answer that, obviously. (Can you answer that? Has time travel been invented?!) I am truly dying to know how we survive this crazy apocalyptic-feeling phase in which the majority of people spending the majority of their lives behind a screen instead of having real genuine authentic human interaction. Watching the generation of iphones coming into the world full force constantly makes me cringe. I hope the human race survives.

-Meditation and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques)! I can not sing enough praises to meditation and tapping. These have single-handedly been the best healing mechanisms I have used to fully love myself, to forgive myself, and to rise above and overcome my many broken parts.

When I first started I felt a bit loony tunes, just really very out of my comfort zone. But even amidst that discomfort, even that very first time I tried it, I really felt something. The way you feel something when you first listen to a new song that rocks your core and speaks to your heart, or when you walk into an old tall white church house with stained glass windows, or when you watch the sunset from the vast plains of the desert. That feeling that flows like warm water through cracks inside of you that you didn't know were there at all.

-Recent events! As it always is, the winter was long and filled with rest. It is the season for rest, without much sunshine, that is what they say. And it turns out rest is hard. But we made it! As soon as Spring began to show we hit the road running. We camped in Moab (see previous post!) and we spent Spring break in Las Vegas (and again! see previous post!) and both of those trips lifted us tremendously.

Some exciting news: we bought a brand spanking new camper which we have completely fallen in love with! We affectionately named him Harry, like Harry and the Hendersons, only it's Harry and The Crofts. (Jace likes to call him Harry Armpits.) We are spending all of our free time in the woods with Harry and it has been a worthy investment, a second home to take with us to all of our happy places any chance we get.

OH and of course, we just got home from CANADA, of all places, to check Banff National Park off our bucketlist (finally) and it was just a dream. Just a real slap-you-in-the-face-beautiful kind of place! (more pictures soon!)

Together, as a family, we are learning, and growing, and changing, and doing the best we can. Isn't everyone? I can breathe easier these days and I am greeting all of the hardest things that do come with more patience and compassion and I'm trying to document it all better, so here I am.

Thanks for being here.

No comments:

Post a Comment