tuning in

Oh hello there, blog. It has been awhile!

Statistically speaking, every year around this time my blog posts thin out a bit, if you will. I will never apologize for living more and being on the computer less, while also, there is something about it that is so needed in my life. Stringing words together into sentences with too many comas, losing my fingers to the keypad as they vigorously find the letters they need to spill out the thoughts that are hoarding themselves in my head, waiting to be taken from their shelves and put on pages where they can live on forever. This is a part of my soul that brings me joy and somehow lifts a weight off my shoulders. And so I never wish to stay away too long. It's always good to stop in and leak a small portion of my typically very weighted soul onto something that can carry it's weight.

I'm a firm believer in being in tune with my body and soul. When something is off, I try to tune in to my body and figure out what it's lacking. I often think about what I have been eating and the supplements I have been taking and I adjust accordingly. If I'm lacking energy I almost always need more vitamin d. When I am plagued with headaches I almost always need to cut back on the coffee. When I am feeling bloated, I have usually been drenching my food in salt. When I have a really bad run one morning, it's almost always because I didn't sleep well, or because I washed down a large bowl of popcorn with a can of vanilla pepsi the night before. (this just happened to me, you see.) When I cry because I can't find my toothbrush, it's almost always because it's that time of the month. It's often not rocket science figuring out what my body is telling me.

But my soul is something else entirely. My soul is much more passionate, a tad more unruly, and much more complicated than my body. My soul tells me what it's lacking in codes to which it then leaves me to decipher. I can really only ever decipher the codes when I'm very quiet. Not still, persae, because sometimes I can really tune into my soul when I'm moving rather quickly. But quiet seems to be a necessity.

As of late, my soul has been tense. If my soul had muscles they would be knotted and twisted and in dire need of an especially long massage. When my soul feels tense like this, it affects me in all areas of my life. I think my least favorite side effect of my soul becoming tense is that it causes me to lose sight of who I really am. I believe that to be the case because the more tense my soul, the more my optimism lets it's guard down, and in crawl these nasty negative thoughts that fight so hard to make me feel less than my worth.

Tonight the heat outside was so opaque, so thick, that I could have cut a slice of air and eaten it. I stood outside in my bare feet, soaking in the thick of that heat, letting the humidity and the quiet consume me while dark clouds rolled over head carrying distant sounds of thunder. I closed my eyes and tuned out all of the busyness in my head, shooing the thoughts that I always imagine to look like woodpeckers due to their consistent pecking. I took some deep breaths and I focused on releasing some of the tension that is knotted inside of me. As I inhaled and exhaled, I let myself think only about what it is that I am lacking in my life right now, at this very moment. I wondered what I might need to ease my soul.

I could drown in negativity if I let myself. There is so much negativity in the world, so many negative people, and sometimes it's as though they are trying their hardest to take me down. My optimism fights with its shields of hope and its swords of sunshine, but sometimes the negativity finds a way to break through, if only for a moment.

I suppose that's inevitable in this world, don't you think?

I aspire to surround myself with people who uplift. Souls who harbor no negative auras.

And then I wonder, well, could I be a negative aura too? I imagine I am now, or have been, to someone, somewhere, at some time. I imagine that might be inevitable too, that we all at some point are a negative aura to someone else.

I have to stay away from negativity. I won't make it if I don't. I have to stay uplifted, strong, true to myself, to who I am and what I believe to be real and good. I have to fight against the forces that would have me feel less than I am, that would have hope to beat me down. I have to tune out the voices that try to force me in contradictory directions. I have to find a way to not let it consume me when I am faced with the inevitable negative auras that present themselves. I have to distance myself from people who would take me down with them, whether intentionally or not.

I have to, or I will drown.

So that's where I am today. I am shedding negativity from my life. It's a slower process than I'd like, and a very hard one, but it's the kind of process that surely makes me stronger in the end.

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